I don't feel very good
26-6-2025
I don't know man that stomach pain, weight loss and tiredness is sus as hell.
I've asked the doctors for an earlier appointment but they have told me that 15th july is earliest and I can't get any earlier unless I go to the ER.
I might do that because this stomach pain, weight loss, loss of appetite and tiredness is becoming a serious problem.
Like a "I need to get this fixed now" problem.
I've lost further 3 kilos from last week, that is sus as f*ck.
The advantage to weight loss is I don't look fat and immobile anymore.
181cm, 79kg -> 181cm, 69kg
I can't think, I can't care.
I want to care, because that is how you get things done, but I can focus on anything.
brain fog, brain fog and more brain fog.
My insta feed is nothing but stage VI colon cancer posts.
I have a doctors appointment, though I could go to the ER and claim emergency problems and get things looked at earlier.
It's that occasional pinch in the lower left of my stomach that makes me the most worried and unable to focus on other things.
I feel pretty good
25-6-2025
I have a doctors appointment, though I feel better.
My stomach feels good, just a random pinch once per day maybe.
I don't have any fever or cold sweats.
My weight is stable, and well back to normal really, it went up in 2024 and has now come back to normal.
I will still get that doctors appointment though.
They didn't think it sounded like anything serious, but I made sure to get an appointment anyways.
I listen to my body, that's how you win.
I really don't feel well
13-6-2025
In late may I got sick with something, I got fever, headache, naseau and nose bleeding.
I took some days off.
All problems went away.
I had some stomach pain.
Then that went away.
My naseau and heachache and what I thought was a fever came to me.
Scared thinking I might have an infection I went to the ER.
That was the worst ER visit in my life.
They tested me for infection and couldn't see anything, neither could they see any fever.
I discovered I had lost some weight the last few weeks because I weighed myself that day.
I also wanted to see a doctor, waited until 2'o night and decided to leave, he could visit me just as I told them I was leaving.
I could stay and let the doctor check me out, but I was tired as hell and just angry for having to wait so long so I left.
My headache and naseau went away anyway.
I got to see a doctor later and they looked at me and saw nothing worrying.
My focus shifted to my dental health, because I really needed to get my teeth checked out, hadn't done that since before the pandemic.
I spent many days manically researching X-rays to figure out if I should get them or not.
Concluded that shitty doctors do annual teeth X-rays, told my dentist that I wanted them to give me NO X-RAYS UNLESS THEY SAW SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS.
They checked out my teeth and everything was good, just removed some toothstone.
Epic win, no thyroid cancer for me haha.
I celebrated by buying a pack of cookies.
That day I consumed nothing but cookies and coffee.
That evening, yesterday, I start feeling light stabs in my left abdomen.
Today those stabs come every now and then, they make me very concerned.
I have set up a new doctors visit for monday.
Hoping the stabs have ended by then.
My life has been reduced to health concerns.
When will the gold start outweighing the dragons.
F*ck this gay cancer world.
I like white bread with butter atleast.
I am a simple man.
Dedication Statues
12-6-2025
There are so many dedication statues of greek philosophers showing their supposed looks.
It is beneath most intellectuals to have themselves represented like that.
I prefer furry statues.
If Jordan Peterson met Samuel Li he would instantly turn into a weeaboo.
I think the perfection of the asian man(XY-EMP-Benign CPSC) would make his knees weak.
I get so tired of myself
7-6-2025
Food and healthcare have been two pain points for me lately, because I keep f*cking up both so bad it's f*cking frustrating.
I f*ck up all the food and don't get enough nutriets, I hate cooking and keep f*cking it up.
I went to the emergency room because of cold sweats, naseau and weightloss and waited for 14 f*cking hours to get a doctor and then when the doctor finally showed up I went home instead because I wanted to sleep and I felt fine.
Now I am gonna have to do that massive wait again because I am incapable of planning/executing any plan in these two fields as of lately.
I genuinely did feel fine, but then I felt like sh*t again around 16:00 the next day.
Either I am going back to the ER or I am gonna get the earlist damn time I can get at the vårdcentral.
I f*cking hate brain fog.
How could I wait for 14 hours and then when the doctor shows up just go home, holy sh*t.
My life has been reduced to nothing but constant fumbling and I am so tired of it.
There is close to zero success, just fumbling.
Though I am the lion, I will win, all things that disrespect me will face great karma I am sure.
Not just people and animals, but foods and diseases, all things that think my fumbling makes them superior will face great karma when I rise to power.
I put up with all my fumbling because I know it is temporary, fumbling is the path to knowledge.
Only those who walk the path of the dragon get inner peace.
The healthcare front has been very fumbly due to my difficulty reading my body.
My focus is all over the place.
I can't get a general feeling/idea of my health.
I flip between feeling dying and feeling 100% fine the next second.
It is super tiresome.
I lost 10kgs in two weeks and didn't even notice.
I've started practicing contact with my body.
I remove all distractions, no music no noise, and just sort of sit and listen to all parts of my body.
my head, my stomach, my mind, everything.
I need to add that in late may I had a sinus infection, or a bug along those lines, and had nose bleed, fever, cold, naseau and strong headache.
All the symptoms went down over time, and I think I am just having a hard time relating to this post-sick tail.
Unless the symptoms become as bad, or close to, as they were during it's peak I don't have much reason to worry.
It's just a post-sickness tail.
I have no fever or cold, just light naseau and headache.
I just need to take it chill.
I just need to take it chill.
I just need to take it chill.
Buddhist Monk Vibes
5-6-2025
When you become comfortable in your bubble you lose any impulse for learning about what's going on in society/amongst normies.
Whatever the normies are doing is hardly more interesting than what I am doing.
My friend described it like living like a monk.
Pretty accurate I would say.
I would say it reminds me a lot of the vibe around 2005.
That same calm and simple curiosity.
2025 feels like 2005 to me, very very interesting.
Source Engine NO-games
4-6-2025
A personal favorite genre of games is source-engine/equivalent NO-ganmes
My PC can handle it with good framerate and I learn a thing or two.
Day of Defeat: Source and Counter Strike: Source are two favorites
Though I want to see more:
* Roman Empire
* Wild West(Fistful of Frags is too cartoonish):
* Global Street/Gang Culture
* Space Flight Simulation
* Carribean
* SO
NO/SO-games and story-games of value are the big two game genres for me.
Burnout?
28-5-2025
These last two weeks I have had burnout.
My brain just stopped functioning in every day tasks.
I fumble when I cook.
I fumble when I clean.
I fumble when I make plans.
My mind is just noise when I get home from work.
Man what the h*ck is going on.
My plan for getting my focus back:
* Exercise more
* Socially interact more
* Eating more food, more properly.
* Doing less work.
* Reading news.
Why I do not get inspired?
9-5-2025
I think I have figured out the reason why I don't get inspired when I go outside.
Things just aren't how I want them to be.
Society is ugly.
I should maybe be more pushy with getting things the way I want them.
I want beauty and I will get it.
Creating Inspiration
14-4-2025
With my writings I want to inspire people.
I want to teach people what is the path.
I want to make people believe that doing the right thing will lead to reward.
I want to make people disregard their robotic internal structures and trust their animalistic instincts.
I want to show people that we still live on the savannah, just with a few extra steps.
I want to reactive those animalistic instincs that once were active inside you, but dissapeared, probably because of fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of poverty.
Fear of death.
Fear of supernatural God.
The internal neurological mountain of garbage that has buried people's souls I want to just rinse out.
I know I can.
One day people will see clearly and wonder how they could go blind without even realising it.
I understand my ability to see this clearly is an absolutely rare thing.
Even more beautiful is that I can share it, I can reprogram people to see again.
I feel sad for people who do not have my wisdom, for it is invaluable.
I don't understand how anyone lives without it.
It gives me strength 'til the end of the world.
I will show people that real work gets you real money.
Nonsense makes you poor.
Familiar Vibes
12-4-2025
I must say these last few years have made me feel like a five year old again.
After High School I haven't participated in any big social things, no interest.
Just me noseing around, a simple and extremely satisfying existence.
Inspiration
8-4-2025
I go out every day with the hopes of finding something inspirational.
I also look on youtube and read web history in the hopes of finding something inspirational.
I just feel empty.
It's like everything is dead and uninspiring.
Society is dead, maybe tied to high taxes and communism.
The web is somewhat dead and highly disorganized, maybe also tied to high taxes and communism, what goes on in society is sort of reflected on the web, the two are interlinked.
This lack of inspiration is making me barely function as a human, I fumble and blunder constantly in my day to day life.
I feel so weak.
The web is the thing that inspires me the most though.
I love web history, tech, computer graphics, coding.
I want to feel strong, capable, inspired and in control again, I really miss that.
I work towards that every day, that is what I should do.
More strength, more focus, more control, less fumbling, less distractions, less sidetracks.
I feel disoriented, but also I feel like the last person alive that remembers order and reality, which makes me feel a great sense of duty.
or eh I sometimes meet people, mostly other hikikomoris or gamers online, who remember the time before the normies ruined the balance.
I achieve control and focus again and the realm survives, balance is restored, I don't and the realm is forever lost to the autism void.
An entire world that is neurosocially disoriented, I will fix this tangled world, I will make everyone see again.
One day I will be in control, strong, inspired, productive again.
I just have to keep gaining focus.
I have to keep looking for inspiration.
I will eventually walk past something/someone interesting.
Disney-esque perception of Hitler
27-3-2025
When I was little I thought Hitler was some sort of jack-of-all-trades genius because of how he was described.
I was in a WW2 museum in England and it had a V2 shell and the text said "Hitlers V2" and I thought wow he was a general and an engineer that's crazy.
You know like Disney where you were supposed to believe he was a one man army who sort of did everything.
Turned out later that wasn't really the case.
Being tough on surrounding
12-3-2025
It's important to be tough on your surrounding, not getting soft.
Demand the doctors to give you the earliest times.
Demand the cooks to not use any micro plastic or teflon garbage.
Demand the store owners to explain their sh*t.
Always be a bit demanding.
It is better to be too hard than to be too soft.(If you are logos, catto)
Though do not be a fascist that is cringe.
I have gotten a bit soft due to being bored and understimulated these past years, but I am regaining my toughness on my surrounding.
We keep crawling forward, that's life.
I dislike cars
26-2-2025
I really don't like being in cars that drive on high speed roads.
I like trains, E-bikes and separated sidewalks/bike roads.
I feel like a peasant when I am in a car on a high speed road.
It's not safe, it's not useful enough to warrant me getting a driving license.
Low Energy
20-2-2025
I really h*te those energy dips where you get so slow things stay in your head because you forget to write them down, I want to have enough energy to atleast write my ideas down,
then I feel okay.
I need to keep reminding myself,
write down everything!
write down everything!
write down everything!
write down everything!
write down everything!
Vandringsmaxx, Kingtrip
2-2-2025
The most important part of my schedule is the vandringsmaxx, kingtrip.
I jog/bike every single day.
I bring some food with me.
I maybe take the train to another city, like Stockholm, and bring my bike along with me.
I maybe say hi to my bros.
I have the WAN show/general news on the radio.
I visit all the pop spots, high points, town squares, universities, libraries.
I read the posters.
I chase that sense of being up to date with all the relevant things.
Cardiovascular exercise is no.1 for brain, and well stroke runs in my family.
I've read that the chance of relapse in the case of stroke is significantly reduced if the patient takes regular walks after the stroke.
Sittande fågel får inget as they say.
Run/bike like a fool everyday!
Remember exercise is no.1 so if you need a snack to motivate yourself to go out do that.
I go for snacks that are on the more nutrious side.
Don't stop moving!
During Journal
26-1-2025
In here I write random small things I think of during my day, chronological order, for me to reflect on my progress.
Current status:
* Uninspired
* Unentertained
* Unimpressed
* Uninspired
* Unentertained
* Unimpressed
* Uninspired
* Unentertained
* Unimpressed
* Uninspired
* Unentertained
* Unimpressed
* Uninspired
* Unentertained
* Unimpressed